Why I’m Staying Alive

Every life has been touched by God at least once. Just when you drift away from the world, if there is anything that pushes you back on the right path, it is when God decides to visit you. (Goblin, 2019, ep. 16)

I’m not a very religious person.

But I’m not lying if I say this quote has penetrated deep into my body by the first time I hear this K-Drama line.

This line made my head playing flashbacks of my darkest time.

And how God — maybe — was visiting my bedroom that midnight.

Being Dead is the Easiest Thing in This World

But if you have one reason or even many reasons to be alive, being dead would be the most difficult thing to choose.

On the other hand, for most people, staying alive is hard.

Just go with the flow!

Luckily, God is nice for not forcing me to push my limit until this day. But sometimes I think I’ve been unconsciously standing at the limit.

I always try to not hope for too much. To ignore problems like ignoring strangers on the sidewalk. Yet, I still fall on the dark side. That one time when:

Every life has been touched by God at least once.

My life goal is only to live happily and comfortably. I had so many problems in my life. I just don’t want to add more of it.

This is how I ended up applying the “just go with the flow” very well.

Too well that I’m almost forgetting what a “problem” is.

Some people say I’m a strong person. The thing is, I don’t even know how to be strong.

Am I strong for not crying in front of people when my dad passed away? Am I strong for not crying when I have to move and live by myself cause my mom had an accident? For not crying when I have to do everything alone in the big city without being warned or prepared?

Other people might say, “Don’t be overreacted. Many people are going through hell, worse than all of that. Yet they can live just fine and not bragging that up.”

You’re right. However, I don’t think I’m one of those “many people”. Maybe neither do you.

Every person has their own limit.

I have my own limit. You have your own limit.

I was 20, 21, and now 22.

At this age, I don’t have an inner child. I am the child. I’m still a child.

A child who is wondering what is the point of staying alive in this fucked up world.

What is the point of staying alive in this fucked up world?

I must admit. Humans are awesome.

Most of them will do anything to keep being alive. If you are one of them, I respect you. Because I could never relate.

If there is a zombie apocalypse, you’re going to see my dead body even before you see the zombie.

So, why did this childish kid who’s going to be the first to die in a zombie apocalypse choose to be alive until this day?

I believe: We just need one reason to stay alive.

Other people get their reason from their beliefs or religion. Mine is a very simple reason.

But it can hang for my lifetime until the day when my name written on the sky has come.

A simple reason that can bring me to see the future. A reason that can put me on everyone’s future. Despite how good or bad it will be, I don’t care.

It’s cute how that one reason can make me stay alive until today.

All I know is walking on this life path I chose and trying to be the best person I can be.

Overcoming any stories ahead of me. Be brave enough for the last time to hope for a happy life.

Overcoming any problems by solving them step by step, one by one, and trying not to overthink them.

Choosing to stay alive means choosing to face problems. Here I am still using the easy-going lifestyle and living just fine.

Life is too short just to be sad.

And life is too long just to be happy.

It was that darkest night that filled my mind with these thoughts and kept me to stay alive.

Come to think of it, maybe, God really was visiting my bedroom that midnight.