You Can’t Spell Lonesome Without Me

Time passed by as I choose to go back to my hometown and live with my mom in my big family neighborhood. But at the end of the day, I’m still playing this Sabrina song, along with Taylor’s “I Hate It Here” for some reasons.

It’s so funny knowing how self-claimed introverted I am until I encounter the real place without people to hang out with.

I’m not gonna be super-dramatic. I have a lot of friends here in my hometown. This is the place where I spent my high school days.

As an Indonesian, I can’t relate to Niki’s “High School in Jakarta” even though I also grew up in Jakarta. But I have a great time living as a high schooler here. Not many toxic people like in a big city, which also gave me a lot of good friends.

But my friendship here is unfortunately different from my friendship in Jakarta. I haven’t met them for a long time. I may live alone in the big city but barely feel lonely.

Yet in this place, I live with my big family and my mom, but I feel lonely more often here. It’s still kinda difficult for me to get along with my cousins. My high school friends are all living far away. We only hang out in the nearest big city sometimes.

It made me understand what is “feeling lonely in the middle of a crowd.”

Am I Being Ungrateful?

I’m so thankful for having a loving family here. I’m so grateful for not being forced by the situation or anyone else to get a job quickly. I’m also grateful for having the ability to earn money with my hobby.

But being lonely is just what it is. It’s not lacking how grateful I am for all of those blessings.

When Taylor said,

“This place made me feel worthless. Lucid dreams like electricity, the current flies through me, and in my fantasies I rise above it. And way up there, I actually love it.”

Knowing I spent most time by myself in a “secret garden” in my mind. I’m just fine living here. I even became so productive by writing this article, writing a novel, and drawing a lot. Those are things I couldn’t ever do if I’m still living in the big city.

I miss walking aimlessly in Blok M or Senayan with my friends. I miss cheering out for Reality Club and TheOvertunes in a public space mini-concert.

As simple as sitting beside the Sudirman sidewalk with a bowl of Lawson’s spicy odeng. Drinking an overpriced coffee while updating each other’s life. Or the feeling of night riding Transjakarta for 2 hours after meeting a friend in Depok.

Some things are unreplaceable. I moved out a lot since I was a kid so I know it well.

Every city holds memories. Every city keeps its people. Every city has its own colors.

But in my eyes, this so-called hometown color is washed out. It’s pure white with a beautiful blood stain.

Yogyakarta has no color yet. I would like to find a job and try living in Yogyakarta where most of my high school friends are going. I’m convinced a slow living place like this city will suit me better.

The thing is, I have painted Jakarta with every possible color that exists in my palette. For me, Jakarta has more colors than a rainbow. And so are the people there.

Lonesome is my new friend.

Although it seems like we will be phrasing a farewell soon.